The Saucy Flapdragons are:

Sarah Rolph- Vocals and Victoria’s Secret bustier
Nick Daniel- Bass, vocals, soldering iron
Steve Hayman- Drums, bad jokes
Mark O’Hara- Guitar, vocals, weight problem
David Rolph- Keyboards, vocals, tight trousers
Brian Wiseman- Guitar, vocals, attitude

more photos.... Sarah Rolph: Vocals Sarah puts up with the puerile sexist comments from the rest of the band with the patience of a saint and the mouth of a sewer rat. Despite her schoolgirl looks and angelic voice, she is capable of extreme and sudden violence. Sarah is the only member of the band to have fallen into a pond during a gig. This blatant piece of attention seeking was treated with the contempt that it deserved, as the rest of the band all offered to help her out of her wet clothes. As the youngest member of the band, Sarah treats some of the musical tastes of he others with amazement. At her first rehearsal, on hearing the beginning to Honky Tonk Women, she exclaimed without a hint of irony “My dad loves this song!” Sarah is married, but refuses to let this get in the way of an ill-fated and thinly disguised fling with the keyboard player. She has two children, Megan and Daniel, both of whom offered to be put up for adoption when they found out that Sarah was appearing on the X-Factor. In her spare time, Sarah is a primary school teacher and lunches with the Lindfield WI. She has an eclectic taste in clothes, from the strapless, backless, classical little black dress, but equally at home in leather and thigh length boots. For some reason, the best audience responses to the band have come on the leather and boots nights. Most often heard saying, “Does my bum look big in this?”

more photos.... Nick Daniel: Bass, vocals Nick is the closest we have to a professional musician, in that he has toured with Alvin Stardust, Gary Glitter, the Bee Gees and Cliff Richard. He says he’s very very sorry. Nick also has the professional musician’s bodyclock. On rehearsal nights it is not unusual for Nick to arrive so late that the rest of the band are just arriving for the following week’s rehearsal. No one is quite sure what Nick spends his days doing. It apparently involves putting large amounts of cement into enclosed spaces and then disposing of the results. He seems to spend large amounts of time in Sicily and refuses to talk about it. He apparently has an aquarium in his bedroom, as someone once heard him mumbling about sleeping with fishes. Nick started as a guitarist, but thought it would save time to reduce from six to four strings, which he has recently increased to five. He fits easily into the tall, languid, quiet stereotype of the bass player, until he sings, when his crystal clear voice soars like an eagle (Nick wrote that bit). The band often has to start gigs without Nick, due to the aforementioned bodyclock, but when he arrives he makes up for his late start by playing extremely fast until he catches up. Most frequently heard saying “Sorry I’m late.”

more photos.... Steve Hayman: Drums Steve has achieved his unique drumming style by combining the techniques of Ringo Starr, Animal and the apes in Stanley Kubrick’s 2001. He also draws inspiration from Charlie Watts, who he swears is definitely older than him. Steve’s sense of rhythm is self taught, intuitive and non-existent, using the example of a typical British tourist abroad, in that when he is having any trouble communicating a particular beat to the rest of the band - he just plays it louder & harder. As with most of the band members, the best of Steve is seen through his family. He is married to Lesley, who he loves so much he married her twice. They have three children, Dan, Luke and Jacob who seem remarkably unfazed by their father’s obvious insanity and have also somehow acquired levels of musical talent that their father could only dream of. Dan especially takes great pleasure in effortlessly performing for a variety of bands on drums, bass and keyboards at levels his father could never aspire to – mainly because he’s too busy working 25 hours a day to pay for all the kid’s music lessons! Steve has a ready wit and an inexhaustible supply of awful jokes, all of which he insists on telling before rehearsals can start. This has led to a several people leaving the band over the years. Unfortunately, the audiences continue to encourage him by laughing, so the jokes keep coming. We’re sure the drumming could also improve if he could only learn the secret of great comedy…………..timing!

more photos.... Mark O’Hara- Guitar, vocals Mark is a sad human being. He is a qualified Chartered Accountant and runs a very technical IT networking company in London www.hydrasolutions.com. He is also the band’s resident anorak, dredging up songs from the 60s and 70s long since forgotten, often by the people who originally recorded them. His knowledge of obscure songs makes up for a lamentable absence of talent when it comes to playing and singing. He was originally invited to join the band when it became known that he had a friend who owned a music shop and who was prepared to let the band buy equipment at cost. Obviously this was a lie, as he has no friends. Possibly most sadly of all, Mark is a lifelong Manchester City fan. Clearly this brings with it considerable emotional trauma, which often manifests itself in extended bouts of clinical depression. The only redemption in his otherwise pointless existence is provided by his long-suffering and remarkably normal wife, Angela and their three children. John-Patrick and Cian have inherited their father’s love of football, but being sensible souls both follow Chelsea. Kathleen brings some much needed feminine support to her mother’s losing battle and luckily all three have inherited their mother’s looks. J-P at 15 is already an accomplished drummer, playing in a frighteningly good band called Kamikaze Politiks. Cian is 10 and a dervish-like fiddler and bass player. Clearly Mark’s only chance of music stardom will come through the reflected achievements of his offspring. When not working, strangling his guitar, or drinking heavily, Mark can often be found on the golf course, vainly searching for yet another lost ball or anything approaching a decent swing.

more photos.... David Rolph: Keyboards, vocals David is the heartthrob of the band. Women swoon at his suave good looks and enormous voice. In order to hide his affair with the singer, he changed his name by deed poll so that people would think they are married. In fact, during a drunken business trip to Las Vegas, David accidentally married seven American girls with a combined weight of several tonnes and a combined IQ of several. Apparently David mistook the Elvis Wedding Chapel for a drive-thru fast food establishment and thought he was answering the question “D’yall want fries with that?” when he said “I do”. As a result he is currently the subject of an extradition warrant, which has put paid to the band’s plans to conquer the US. And it was all going so well. As well as a multiple bigamist, David is an accomplished musician and is the only bandmember to actually have had knickers thrown at him on stage a la Tom Jones. Sadly he lost all chance of pulling the owner of said lingerie, when he put them on. Away from the bright lights and greasepaint, David’s entrepreneurial streak is evident in his professional life as a partner in a facilities management group (www.smithandwinborn.co.uk & www.sycamoreassociates.co.uk). As one would expect, David is able to drink large quantities of alcohol, although it does tend to make him fall over and forget the lyrics.

more photos.... Brian Wiseman: Guitar Brian is probably the only true musician in the group, in that he lives and breathes the true rock star life as personified by Keith Richard, Jimi Hendrix and Keith Moon. He lived hard and died young, which has done wonders for his playing, which rigor mortis has slowed down to a blur. Brian studied classical guitar under some of the finest teachers in Plumpton and then totally ignored what he had learnt, preferring to embrace the Braille style of lead guitar. In one very important respect, Brian is not the archetypical lead guitarist, in that he has eschewed the obligatory Marshall stack in favour of a Rivera unit which is quite frankly laughably small. It’s size however, doesn’t seem to prevent Brian from achieving volume levels which have resulted in the district council appointing a dedicated health and safety officer to follow him wherever he goes. One recent solo was officially measured as the loudest thing ever heard in Sussex, other than Mark’s snoring. Unlike most other mad axemen, Brian also doesn’t use any fancy guitar effects pedals, preferring to let the sheer decibel level cause the listeners’ eardrums to perforate, thereby applying a level of distortion and reverb internally. He is a perfectionist when it comes to practising. His hair has to be just right before he will even plug the guitar in. Brian’s guitars are exotic and wonderful creations. Few people can carry off the late 60s Flying V, but in Brian’s hands, with the beard, mullet and faraway eyes, it looks totally natural. Brian hails from the Black Country and years of schooling have failed to dim the accent. He cites his major musical influence as Dave Hill from Slade, though we all agree that Dave Hill’s dress sense was considerably more subdued than Brian’s. Brian is married to the lovely Louise, who he met at a gig. Having spotted her through the smoke filled room, he tricked her into standing exactly in front of his amp and then stunned her with an unexpected force 10 power chord. Having carried the unconscious Louise back to his lair, he keeps her compliant by having the amp on permanent standby and a guitar always plugged in. He visits India and Asia regularly, supposedly to source stock for his chain of furniture and exotic lifestyle shops, but he isn’t fooling anyone. He claims to have introduced the futon to Britain, but we still think he spent those five years in a Thai prison.

Secret Weapon As with all fabulously successful groups, the ravages of alcohol and drugs often mean that one or more members of the band are incapable of playing or even standing up when the time comes to perform. So we always carry an inflatable musician which Sarah blows up in case of emergency. A sort of Saucy Stig. Some say he graduated from the Paris Conservatoire and the Royal Academy of Music before his tenth birthday. Others say he was the fifth Beatle and driving force behind the Buggles. All we know is that he’s always there when we need him and he calls himself Dan Tastic.